And How to Cope
All children suffer from some form of anxiety whether it be attachment to a caregiver, friendship problems at school, new situations, night time fears, and so much more. As parents we want to help. It often interrupts our busy schedules to have to help them through these big feelings. We lose sleep over it. We obsess about it. We want them to be happy. We compare them to others. We wonder what we did wrong to be in this place.
7 signs your child is dealing with anxiety.
- They complain of stomach aches or headaches
- They avoid social situations or activities that once brought them joy
- They have negative self talk (I’m no good, I can’t do it, I’m stupid, Everyone hates me, I’m bad at this)
- They lose their appetite or change their eating habits
- They compare themselves with others
- Their sleep is interrupted whether its waking up at night or wanting to sleep with mom/dad
- They have anger. Simple tasks will set them off
From experience this can be one of the most stressful times for parents. My 8 year old went into severe fight or flight mode at school drop off. It was the beginning of an extremely stressful time for our family. Severe school avoidance set off by my husband and I taking a trip without our kids. She would not get out of the vehicle at school drop off. Screaming and crying and not a care who was watching. Its not like preschool where you can peel them off your leg and know that they’ll be okay 10 minutes after you depart. This was extreme. For the first while we had to take her home with us. She would not go into school and we could not physically carry her in; we were at a loss as to what to do. fast forward 3 years and we have learned so much more. We learned what doesn’t work and what’s been very successful with child anxiety. Here are some things to avoid and things that work!
Things to Avoid
- Yelling or showing your frustration (you need you to be the calm in their storm of emotions)
- Giving in to what they are wanting to avoid (the feeling becomes so strong that they want to hide in a bubble but all this does is feeds the anxiety
- Compare them with others (well your brother can do this or that or I don’t see so and so behaving this way) they can’t help it
- Over talk about it (this also gets you nowhere and it takes time away from the rest of the family.
- Allow them to have the big feelings but to do it in a safe place like their room until they have regulated their feelings or they will not hear anything you’ve said
- Bribing them. If you do this I will do this. It doesn’t fix any problems it only creates more stress on both sides
- Do not tell them that nothing bad will happen to them (this is something that nobody can know for sure)
Things that Work
- Allow an alotted time period to talk about their feelings (no more than 15 minutes a day)
- Tell them how brave and awesome they are
- Show them how to breathe in through their nose and out through their mouth like blowing out a candle (this helps calm them down)
- Hug them even when they think they don’t want to be hugged (a hug is like a weighted blanket that provides safety and reassurance)
- Ask them to name their worry (monster, benjamin, storm cloud) this gives them power over their anxiety
- If they’re old enough ask them to draw a cloud and fill it with words that make them anxious and tell them that they have the power over these, then get them to rip it up into 1000 pieces. It shows them physically that they are in charge
- Teach them about changing their thoughts when a bad one enters into their mind (what can we start thinking about that makes us smile when a bad thought comes up)
- Walk them through scenarios ( if this happens at school for example what can you do next? who can you go to for help specifically?
- Talk about the worst case scenario ( if you do vomit at school what would happen next? a teacher would help you then they would call us, or if we do leave and for some reason can’t get here on time this is who I would call)
- When they avoid social situations make them go. You are the parent and know what is best and allowing them to avoid reassures them that their fears are real and valid.
- Praise, Praise, Praise!! Wow i noticed how brave you were when you had to go do something that made you SO nervous. You did something that scared you and that is amazing!
- Lastly take care of yourselves!! It is extremely stressful! Be a team with your partner and when one of you is at 10 percent be the 90 and vice versa.
You don’t have to be alone in this. We used every school support available to us. The principal, the staff, the school counselor. We also see a psychologist outside of school for more support and to help her gain some tools for her future. Share your struggles, when someone asks how your day is, open up and tell them it sucks right now. You won’t believe the stories people will share about their own experiences or resources that you can access just by being transparent. It takes a village and you are not alone!
Brandy Madly